We Aussies live longer than you Poms — hurray!

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Whenever some patronising Pom condescends to me about my Antipodean ancestry, I just repeat what my grandma said when I packed for Britain, 35 years ago: “Oh Kath, you can’t possibly move to London … That’s where all those terrible convicts came from!”
I often wonder if the British antipathy towards Antipodeans stems from the fact that you sent the convicts down under to be punished in all that sun … while you stayed here in the rain. (I love the English summer — it’s my favourite day of the year.)
What this unique experiment that became Australia proves is that, unshackled from the class system and with the oxygen of optimism and opportunity, people thrived.
• The secret to a longer, healthier life is … move to Australia
The future generations that sprang from the scrapings off the bottom of Britain’s biological barrel pioneered much social justice, including universal suffrage and votes for women. Not only did we not follow in our forefathers’ fingerprints, but we’ve also gone on to lead long and happy lives.
Research published by the British Medical Journal reveals that Australians outlive their peers in all wealthy English-speaking countries. Life expectancy in Australia is two years longer than in the UK and nearly five years longer than in America. My maternal grandma lived till 101 and my beloved mum has just turned 93.
So, why do we Aussies flourish? Perhaps it’s to do with our unique and exotic wildlife. (Dearly missed Dame Edna was born there after all.) Take crocodiles. Crocs are one of the oldest living species on Earth. There’s something about being eyed up as an hors d’oeuvre by a prehistoric man-eater which puts worries about that parking ticket into perspective.
Another component to our longevity is our active outdoor lifestyle. Although human beings spent millions of years evolving out of the ocean, Australians are devoted to trying to get back in. My English friends aren’t at home in the water, but my Aussie mates spend all their leisure time surfing, kayaking, canoeing. The only dry thing about them is their sense of humour.
Speaking of which, in Sydney I take regular swims across Cronulla with a group who call themselves the Harold Holt Memorial Swim Team. In case you’ve forgotten, this was our prime minister who disappeared while bodysurfing. My swimming mates’ insouciant advice if I do see a shark? “Just swim like hell away from the pointy end.”
Optimistic? You bet. Australian is just like English, only there are fewer words for pessimism, miserable and morose. Many of my British chums think optimism is some kind of ocular ailment. But thinking positively is medically proved to lower blood pressure and boost immune systems, so you Poms had better cease with your Eeyore-esque attitudes.
• ‘My friend’s husband cheated — now he’s coming on our holiday’
So, you’re probably wondering why am I still here then? Why am I willing to give up two years of my life expectancy to live in grey and grimy London? Yes, I’ve had to build down my gastronomic hopes. I mean, you are the people who took jelly and eels and said, “Let’s put them together!” After dining on British pub grub my tonsils are no longer on speaking terms with my intestines. But your food for thought is truly scrumptious.
London dinner parties are the Wimbledon of wit, with banter lobbed back and forth. Yes, you may be condescending, emotionally repressed pessimists with dodgy teeth — but you can triple an entendre and pen a pithy love sonnet at a moment’s notice.
Plus, of course, this new research allows me to indulge in constant gloating about the superiority of my funny, sunny, happy homeland of which I’m so proud. Except of course, it’s un-Australian to boast. In fact, it’s the constant brag of Aussies that we never brag. Hell, you’d rather be eaten by a shark!
Husband Replacement Therapy by Kathy Lette (Head of Zeus, £9.99). To order a copy go to timesbookshop.co.uk. Free UK standard P&P on orders over £25. Special discount available for Times+ members